Dear Coach, I don’t like this kid!

Dear Coach,

I have a problem. I genuinely have a student who I do NOT like. She takes up all of my energy, seems to love all the negative attention she can get and I feel like she’s causing my other students emotional harm. I truly believe this is a learned behavior because her home life is super chaotic. But I’m really struggling with this and actually looking forward to next year as she goes off to HS. Ugh. I want to like this student, but I can’t.

Hey friend,

First of all, thank you for being honest! I know we like to pretend like every educator loves every student, but we are human and sometimes behaviors can rub us the wrong way. There are times, when our concern for other students or even our own mental health really does make it hard to give kids that ‘unconditional positive regard’ we learned about in grad school. So the short answer is, it’s okay that you don’t “like her”, but there are a couple areas where I’d love to have you do a little reflection.

You mention that she takes up all of your energy and she is the cause of emotional discomfort in others. Those are really powerful thoughts. It appears there is a narrative that includes her as the villain in multiple relationships. Now this may be well-earned, but imagine that she’s also unconsciously aware of this and sees her role as the villain. Kids who long for connection will in fact connect in any way they can. Even if that means being the bad guy. I’ve even seen extreme cases where the kid will seek out ways to be antagonistic just so that they feel some sense of power or control. But more times than not, especially in situations where the home life is ‘chaotic’ there is a gap in skills that allow healthy relationship development.

My question for you is, instead of trying to solve the problem of her behavior, have you considered what she sees as her problem?

It’s possible of course that she doesn’t see anything as a problem, but spending some time thinking about that might help soften your dislike for her a bit. I would also love for you to see if maybe there is something from your history that is making this particularly painful for you. Did you experience someone similar to her in your past? Does her lack of growth cause you to question your own skills? What has she and/or her behavior started to represent in your life?

The last thing I want to leave you with is an image. A dry piece of land that seems to be devoid of any life. If a farmer were to choose this plot of land to raise a crop, there would be some heavy duty cultivating that would be necessary to get it ready to receive the seed. There would be lots of sweat and maybe even some blood and tears breaking up the ground, moving rocks and other debris that would prevent any roots from taking hold. But with some work, it’s possible that something could in fact bloom. As educators, counselors, social workers and even as parents we have to remember:

Some plant, some water, some harvest.

Maybe for this student you’re just planting the seeds, make that your mark of success. Taking stock of the soil and laying the foundation. You never know what might bloom.

Do you have a word of advice for our friend? Leave a comment and let her know. Want me to answer your question? Send me an email and help is on the way!