From Conflict To Collaboration: Tips to Keep Your Class from Being a Combat Zone

Conflicts are a natural byproduct of relationships, naturally occurring when two or more people attempt to connect. And in many instances, conflicts can be healthy, leading to deeper understanding and shared vision.

But other times, conflict can turn your classroom into a war zone, when you and your students are engaged in a power struggle or you spend all of your time managing various conflicts that pop up constantly, but don’t seem related to anything of importance.

Spending some time learning and teaching good conflict resolution skills benefits all of us. When I work with parents, and teachers too, I always say that because none of us has a ton of time to waste, I always want to choose my battles wisely with kids. Knowing when to speak and when not, what to say and how are all parts of keeping your home or classroom from feeling like a landmine. Aside from safety which triggers an immediate response, most things really are in the gray area and can be handled gently to avoid power struggles. Here are a couple questions to ask yourself about whether or not this is a ‘battle’ you want to choose.

Will this matter in 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 years? If it won’t matter in 10 minutes, I’m letting it go. If it will matter in 10 days, that’s a maybe. If it will matter in 10 years, that I’m gonna stand firm on no matter what. An example I might use, a child who forgot to do their homework, no lecture necessary, do the work. Moving on. The child who is defiantly sitting in front of me refusing to do the work after a reminder, that matters. Stand firm. Make sure the rule doesn’t bend even if the process needs to change. I might say, hey looks like you’re having a hard time with this, let’s do one together. That’s not the same thing as do it or else, but ultimately I still want it to get done.

Am I in MY feelings?. We’re all human and can get into trouble over-analyzing and assuming ill-intent where there is none. Take a breath and make sure you’re not hungry, sleepy or experiencing some other emotion that is unrelated before attempting to intervene.

If you decide, this does matter and your emotions are not getting the best of you here are a couple ways to de-escalate conflicts with students, and they can work with your own kids and colleagues too.

Express empathy. We all want to feel validated, conflicts often escalate when we feel unseen or unheard. Focus on seeing the perspective of the other person and express genuine concern. Simple phrases like, “I’m sorry this happened" really do go a long way. You don’t have to agree with someone to understand how they feel.

Ask helpful questions. The word why almost always makes us defensive so avoid it whenever you can. When there is a conflict ask questions geared toward solutions, looking for the win-win whenever possible. I like the phrase, “I wonder” because it invites curiosity without blame.

Offer choices. Once you’ve identified some possible solutions, outline the options, explain your suggestions and give your student choices. Ultimately they need to be able to navigate conflicts on their own and that will include making some hard decisions. Give them the chance to do that with you backing them up before they need to do it on their own.

Conflicts do not have to lead to combat in your classroom our outside. If you’re struggling with conflicts with peers or staff you need to support, check out my resources in the Behavior Management Masterclass here.