Dear Coach: What do I do if my student is NOT eating at school?

In this new series, I’ll answer a recent community question and give you my thoughts on how to handle some of the stickier situations. You can submit your question by emailing me here.

Dear Coach,

A few of my female middle school students came into my office at lunch concerned that their friend isn't eating. Im going to call her in tomorrow, but I don't have much experience with this. Any advice on how I should proceed? Thanks!

Hey superstar,

Lunch situations can be some of the stickiest because issues around food are some of the hardest to handle in a school setting. In my experience, there are multiple reasons why kids may not be eating at school from the more benign, not liking their lunch all the way up to having a eating disorder diagnosis. Your question didn’t give many details so I’ll give you a couple things to consider here first.

Relationships are so important for students, but especially in middle school so whatever you choose to do, please be mindful of how it could impact the relationship between the student and the friends or either of their relationships with you. I tend to lean toward letting students try to work things out on their own to maintain the relationship, so if possible I’d opt for coaching the girls through gently bringing up their concerns directly.

One of the most common reasons for kids not to eat at lunch is embarrassment, thinking that ‘everyone’ in the cafeteria is staring at them while they are in line or at the table. If your student has a history of anxiety, this might be an area where you can follow up and check by casually noticing that she isn’t eating one day while you’re in the cafeteria.

Less common reasons for not eating would include not having food or choosing not to eat as a means of losing weight. Either of this options would require additional information and very tactful conversation. If there is an issue with access to food, initiating a conversation in private can be helpful to offer resources to students or the family. Be mindful to avoid embarrassing and be aware that some people may take offense to the suggestion.

While eating disorders are not my specialty, I know that they require complex treatment and therefore NOT appropriate for school based services. When you have a strong suspicion of an eating disorder, it’s appropriate to suggest a referral to a local agency specializing in disordered eating treatment or check this listing of national organizations that can help.